Dating as an Asexual: Mission Possible

Photo on 3-17-13 at 11.40 PMAs a person with non-normative boundaries (an asexual person), dating might seem impossible. How early do you let someone know you are asexual – when you realize there is interest there, when they ask you out, on the first date? Some might think “what is the point”? Won’t they (we are talking about dating in the real world where finding another local asexual person is supposedly like finding a blue unicorn, not to mention finding another asexual person that you are in to) 1. ask what that is, and then 2. not want to date (after realizing what it is you won’t do or don’t want to do).

Needless to say being friends first, things about you come up.

But talking about asexuality, and therefore sex, with people you don’t really know that well, or at all, seems awkward. So how do you get around it? You don’t want to lead someone on, and you don’t want to be led on either.

So just don’t date? Hellz no.

Think about people who don’t want children. Guessing that “most” people want kids, do people bring up the topic of kids on the first date or forgo dating altogether because having kids/not having kids is a deal-breaker? Probably not. No one unloads every single thing about themselves on a potential interest in the beginning so no one gets hurt/led on/wastes time! Do we really think about relationships like that? Letting people into our lives and pursuing people always poses a risk of having the relationship not work out for a million different possible reasons. You go out with people in hopes that the interest will turn into something stronger and your values and desires won’t be too different.

Going back to the kids example, most people want kids, but a lot of those people unthinkingly figure children into their future just because they never really thought about not having kids. If someone who assumed they would have kids falls in love with a person who doesn’t, it is possible that person might not really care that much about kids anymore. Same thing with people who assume they will fall in love with someone of the same religion. Just watch reality shows – there are countless couples (damn, I just revealed I watch reality shows) where one person doesn’t really want to have sex/doesn’t lust and their partner is frustrated and unhappy. Wouldn’t those people who don’t want to have sex be happier with an asexual person who doesn’t want to have sex? (Let’s remember sex is a huge category, so define it as you will). Or isn’t it possible, for those asexuals who are demi and gray and/or don’t mind compromising on sex, that other people want to take it slow too, to establish emotional and romantic connections – they just never thought it was possible and YOU are giving them that possibility? (Awesome sauce).

Trust me, other people are not worried about spilling all the things about themselves that might make you not love them (everyone has something) on the first date. And we don’t consider them to be unethical or sneaky, etc. Just be confident, know that you deserve to be wanted, that the way you do life is pretty cool, and know that you never have to be coerced into something you don’t want to do. Go out and have fun. If you want to date, you should. You are not strange, weird, broken, or out-of-the-ordinary. Everyone in the world has their own personal relational boundaries, desires, and preferences. Just think of yourself as ahead of the game and particularly savvy in articulating your own.

3 thoughts on “Dating as an Asexual: Mission Possible

  1. Let me ask YOU a question: If a guy dumepd you because he was just looking for a quick and easy lay and you didn’t provide that to him, then would that be a good thing or a bad thing? The RIGHT guy would wait, the RIGHT guy would understand, the RIGHT guy would be patient, because it is true, Good things come to those who wait. If you meet a guy that you really do like and you’re out with him on your 2nd or 3rd date (wouldn’t get to those dates if there wasn’t some mutual interest and attraction), then simply be open and honest with him. Tell him that you’re looking for more than just sex and that you want to get to know a guy first. You can always add, I’ve really enjoyed our time together and I really like you and I’d like to continue seeing you and see where things might lead. AND when it comes to romantic love between a man and a woman, well . it usually always and eventually DOES lead to the bedroom, but all in good time. Trust me, if you say these things to a guy, then he’ll interpret as this, I’m going to get laid. Okay, maybe not THAT night, but there’s a real good possibility that the guy WILL get laid. It might be in a few weeks or a month (or whatever), but as long as that carrot is dangled out there.. the RIGHT guy will wait.I’m a guy and I’ve done the internet dating thing off and on for probably . well .. since they’ve had it AND I’ve never been the kind of guy who ever pushed a woman to do anything that she didn’t really want to do or was not comfortable in doing. I wouldn’t even mention anything in my email correspondence to a lady about getting together or make any suggestions about us meeting in person, let alone exchanging phone numbers. I’d wait until the lady felt comfortable enough to make the suggestion herself. Usually after phone numbers exchanged and a few phone calls, then both parties might begin to get a little anxious to meet in person.I’m afraid that there are MANY men out trolling the online dating sites just looking for women to bed and they aren’t really interested in anything serious OR they’re confused, chilidish, and immature and don’t really know what they want, so they listen to a part of themselves that they shouldn’t (I stopped listening to him, well mostly since I was 25) OR mostly they are just not the one for you and not even worthy of a second date (let alone the first). Let me actually be blunt and honest, there are a lot of men out there who are just plain old rotten stinking PIGS! Some of the emails women have shared with me that they’ve received from other men, well let’s just say that a lot of men are pigs, but do you want a pig?Too often in my life I have met someone, fallen for them (and they for me), known them a VERY short time (sometimes hours or just a day or two) and then shared the most intimate of physical encounters that a human can experience and share with another . and I didn’t even know their last name or the names of their kids (or if they had any), or who they really were. I didn’t even know if I liked this person, yet here I was making love to them? I’m a very open and honest person and somewhere there is a very big contradiction.How can you make love to someone you don’t even know or know if you truly even like?My perfect dating situation or experience would be to meet a lady who a really liked and was attracted to (got to have that) and with whom I shared time, experiences, thoughts, dreams, and beliefs AND who became my best friend first and then became my lover.I’m not old fashioned by any means, but I think our divorce rate would be much lower and our overall life and love fulfillment would be much greater, if we DID take a step back in time with our courtship process. That is one of the reasons I kind of like the online dating opportunities, because it gives you a chance to truly get to know someone first. I guess I can say that because I think of myself as a fairly decent communicator and I can type way too dang fast. The process just harkens me back to the days of Percy Shelley and Lord Byron the Romantics. There was a time when a man and a woman would begin a courtship from afar through the slow exchange of long letters. But, it is when you are alone with pen and paper in hand (or keyboard and screen in front of you) that you can truly be open and honest in that anonymous way that such correspondence does provide.Of course the greatest love of all is the love that is inside of you and sweetie you’ve got to love yourself enough to know that you are more than worth the wait. If a guy isn’t willing to wait or is looking for something else, well Hit the road, Jack . SillyLittleBoy

  2. Let me ask YOU a question: “If a guy dumped you because he was just looking for a “quick and easy lay” and you didn’t provide that to him, then would that be a good thing or a bad thing?”The RIGHT guy would wait, the RIGHT guy would understand, the RIGHT guy would be patient, because it is true, “Good things come to those who wait.” If you meet a guy that you really do like and you’re out with him on your 2nd or 3rd date (wouldn’t get to those dates if there wasn’t some mutual interest and attraction), then simply be open and honest with him. Tell him that you’re looking for more than just sex and that you want to get to know a guy first. You can always add, “I’ve really enjoyed our time together and I really like you and I’d like to continue seeing you and see where things might lead. AND when it comes to romantic love between a man and a woman, well…. it usually always and eventually DOES lead to the bedroom, but all in good time. Trust me, if you say these things to a guy, then he’ll interpret as this, “I’m going to get laid.” Okay, maybe not THAT night, but there’s a real good possibility that the guy WILL get laid. It might be in a few weeks or a month (or whatever), but as long as that carrot is dangled out there.. the RIGHT guy will wait.I’m a guy and I’ve done the internet dating thing off and on for probably…. well….. since they’ve had it AND I’ve never been the kind of guy who ever pushed a woman to do anything that she didn’t really want to do or was not comfortable in doing. I wouldn’t even mention anything in my email correspondence to a lady about “getting together” or make any suggestions about us “meeting in person,” let alone exchanging phone numbers. I’d wait until the lady felt comfortable enough to make the suggestion herself. Usually after phone numbers exchanged and a few phone calls, then both parties might begin to get a little anxious to meet in person.I’m afraid that there are MANY men out trolling the online dating sites just looking for women to bed and they aren’t really interested in anything serious OR they’re confused, chilidish, and immature and don’t really know what they want, so they listen to a part of themselves that they shouldn’t (I stopped listening to him, well… mostly&#8230

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