Establishing Platonic Significant Others in a Monogamous Sexo-Rom Society

Not a Weeping Uterus

Not a Weeping Uterus

There is a very strong statement going around that you are either 1. in an exclusive romantic relationship that is going somewhere (somewhere = marriage) or 2. alone/sad/lonely/socially unfeeling/awkward. . . did I say sad?. Evidence? It comes with the constant question “so when are you going to find someone?” or “any dates lately”? etc. It comes with the weird feeling one gets during family gatherings when everyone is coupled up, even your 14-year-old cousin who brought his girlfriend. It comes from my own mother (I love her so) constantly angling for me to sign up on Christianmingles.com or any of the other dating sites, worried about me finding someone rather than being impressed/encouraging/admiring of how hard and focused I am on the other parts of my life, such as this dissertation. Or for you, maybe how hard you are working in school, the promotion you just got in your job. Maybe it isn’t a “sacrifice;” maybe it is just that not everyone has the highest priority of having a lover and babies. My uterus is not weeping inside of me. . . my body is athletic, svelte, soft and hard. Not a sad body, trust me.

Still, and I hate to admit it, those family members and friends are kind of on to something. . . if you don’t opt to Seek Out a SSS (single special someone) or you are not in a relationship with a SSS, then. . . how hard is it to establish a network of bliss partners, cuddly family members, deep coffee conversationalists, domestic partners, and blood-friends that will be there for a long long time, geographically accessible, and not consider their lovers (if they have/want them) to be their exit out of your life? How possible is it? “They” (the people who desperately want you to fall in love/date) may not consider this a solution, but it is, if we could get it. Good friends that are there for more than a passing glance and fulfilling all kinds of needs, including ones where there is a platonic live-in future together, is just as or more fulfilling than achieving (it feels like it is supposed to be an achievement, right?) the hook-line-sinker of the SSS.

But how?

With all the people spinning around me, seeking their SSS, having their SSS, and even me internalizing the vision for the SSS, how the hell can I create an urban family? When there is the assumption that Just Friends is not always a good deal, and no one really wants it (and by wanting, I mean, trying desperately and investing, and being willing to risk), then well, yeah. Until society collectively understands the other possibilities to relating and living and satisfying, until there are enough people around to help figure out how we can create new relational ties to each other that society does not currently see or value, well, dear mavericks, I don’t know.

But there’s a reason, mixed in with all the rom-coms and dating sites, that FRIENDS and SATC and the L WORD and any sitcom with a “bromance,” despite how well or not people can relate to everything that happens in their lives, are fantasies too. There’s something really appealing about platonic partnerships (exclusive and poly both), more than ephemeral chimeras, that call to something deep within us. All of us maybe. But can we take the risk? Can we communicate what we want? Can we envision something full, fulfilling, and desirable like this together? I think we can, and I think it is a possibility. I think that the increasing awareness of asexuality and our accepting of the challenge to create these new relationships as the first models to how it all works will help it happen.

Have any of you had success with creating those platonic poly-communities and/or exclusive partnerships that you want? Comment below.

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